Live Like You Were Dying

This song made me bawl the other night on the way home from the hospital... but it's such a good song...

He said: I was in my early forties,
With a lot of life before me,
An' a moment came that stopped me on a dime.
I spent most of the next days,
Looking at the x-rays,
An' talking 'bout the options an' talkin’ ‘bout sweet time.
I asked him when it sank in,
That this might really be the real end?
How’s it hit you when you get that kind of news?
Man whatcha do?

An' he said: "I went sky diving, I went rocky mountain climbing,
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu.
And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying.
An' he said: Some day, I hope you get the chance,
To live like you were dyin'.

He said "I was finally the husband,
That most the time I wasn’t.
An' I became a friend a friend would like to have.
And all of a sudden goin' fishin’,
Wasn’t such an imposition,
And I went three times that year I lost my Dad.
Well, I finally read the Good Book,
And I took a good long hard look,
At what I'd do if I could do it all again,
And then: I went sky diving, I went rocky mountain climbing,
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu.
And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying.
An' he said: "Some day, I hope you get the chance,
To live like you were dyin'.

Like tomorrow was a gift,
And you got eternity,
To think about what you’d do with it.
An' what did you do with it?
An' what can I do with it?
An' what would I do with it?
Sky diving, I went rocky mountain climbing,
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu.
And then I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
And I watched an eagle as it was flyin'.
An' he said: Some day, I hope you get the chance,
To live like you were dyin'.

To live like you were dyin'.
To live like you were dyin'.
To live like you were dyin'.
To live like you were dyin'.

("Live like you were dying" - Tim McGraw)

Scrambled Thoughts

Saturday I was on my way back from ARWC (a post about this amazing week to follow hopefully soon) and called Mom from Calgary to figure out where we should meet up. I was informed that I should probably come to the hospital in Wetaskiwin because Debbie really wasn't doing well. I got Kate to drop me off there around 5:30ish and we left around 8:30. Sunday I went to church in Camrose, went out for lunch w/ Dad and then was at the hospital from just before 2 till just after 8. I came home exhausted and was honestly in bed asleep at 9:30. Monday we were swamped at the office so I pulled a 10 hr shift to try and get some stuff caught up. I left work at 6:30 and went to the hospital till about 10. Tuesday I went to work and got a call from Mom at about 2:30 that Debbie was gone. I left work a bit early and went to the hospital. Then I ran some errands for Mom in Leduc and came home. Dale's other sister Joy and her family were at our house for dinner. They left and we just kinda vegged. Yesterday I worked and then Joy & fam were staying at our house. We all had dinner and then went over to Brad's to sort through some pictures and music for a slideshow for the funeral. Today I thankfully got the day off and we have a meeting at the church w/ the minister to figure some stuff out. We have Evan for the weekend and he gets here tomorrow. Saturday he's got a provincial ball tournament this weekend in Beaumont so I'm going to watch his noon game and then go to Lacombe w/ Phil to see Cheryl and hang out for awhile. Sunday is church and practicing make-up with Dallas for her class (I'm gonna be her model for her final exam on Wednesday nite). The viewing is Monday afternoon and the funeral is Tuesday.

Debbie is gone. No more laughs and sarcastic comments. Brad is left to raise their 2 year old son by himself. She just turned 33 a couple weeks ago. Today is their anniversary. Something is just not fair about this picture...

The long hours of sitting in the hospital were eerie. She was on so much morphine that some of what she said was incoherent. The rest was random or heart-breaking. Calling out for a mom that passed away a couple years ago. Not recognizing Brad sometimes and asking him who he was. Moaning and groaning in pain... whether in her current situation or just memories from before, we will never know. Each breath was more labored than the last. Sometimes there were long pauses between breaths and then she would jerk awake with a sharp intake of breath and a haunting wide-eyed look on her face. I wasn't at the hospital when she passed but apparently it was peaceful. I'm glad for her sake. She's been through enough. She fought long and hard... at least her suffering is over.

It's been weird ever since. And I'm trying, but it's hard to not be selfish right now. I'm tired. I haven't really had a chance to relax and savor the memories of camp. I miss Matt like crazy but he's at camp so I can't talk to him. Nikki's in Honduras on a mission trip and I really wish I could talk to her too. There's people at my house, things are crazy, my room is a mess, my time is not my own anymore, I want to be strong for my family and help out as much as I can but part of me just wants to escape somewhere and sleep and relax.

Wow, this is probably the most disjointed post ever. I better go though, we gotta get to the church and get things figured out.

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

It's hard to believe that a week with Matt has already come and gone. I dropped him off at the airport this morning and came in early to work. I'm running on less than 2 hours of sleep right now but I thought it was about time I wrote in this thing again. The week with him was wonderful... Highlights include:

-Introducing him to Canadian Football (Eskimos won their home opener 34-31 Thursday nite... WOOHOO!)
-Pizza, bocce ball and foosball w/ Phil & Jon
-Ft. Edmonton Park, dinner @ Joey's and bowling @ Gateway
-All the laughs had during dinner w/ Uncle Bill, Aunt Norma & Dallas
-An enjoyable evening of dinner, tennis and air hockey w/ Dad
-Getting to see Allison again (:D) and introducing her to Matt
-Being able to show him the office, where I went to school, where I played ball, and other little bits of my life
-Just in general getting to introduce him to people
-I loved how well he gets along w/ my family... and I thought it was super cool that he hung out and played games with my brother all day while I was at work :)
-Just spending time with him and being in the same house for a week instead of being 30+ hours apart

It was a busy week (I still had to work while he was here) but we soaked up every other minute together that we could... there were a lot of late nights... which probably explains why I'm so tired right now... especially considering the 2 hours of sleep I'm running on right now... haha. All in all, it was a great week and I wouldn't have traded the extra sleep for the world. However... now that he's gone and I get off work early today since I came in early this morning... can anyone say NAPTIME this afternoon?? :)

It's Been Awhile...

Things have been a little busy and the few times I have had time to blog, the website wasn't working for some reason. Oh well, alas, I try to update now...

Work: Things have been steady. Some busy days, some slow days... it all kinda evens out I guess. A few things have been happening lately that make me question whether I'm capable of doing this job, esp. since Thursday is Sandy's last day and I will be completely taking over her job. Not gonna lie, I'm a little worried...

Not work: Went camping @ Half Moon Lake w/ Mom & Dale this weekend. I think it was exactly what we needed. It was nice to just get away and enjoy the nice weather and the time together as a family. Boo for sunburns tho! haha.

The next big thing I'm looking forward to is Matt getting here on WEDNESDAY! I CAN'T WAIT!! I'm soo excited to see him and we have some fun stuff planned while he's here so it should be great. I can't believe what was once a month of counting down is now only a day and a half...!! :)

Gotta run for now... Happy Canada Day tomorrow!! *imagine fireworks going off here*

Murphy's Law Monday

It was kinda a murphy's law Monday today. We had a power surge at the office and our credit card/debit machine completely crashed and can't be replaced till tomorrow. So we had to totally change the way we entered orders for the day which was a total pain in the butt and took way longer, the mouse for the computer in the shipping room stopped working completely and on top of all the craziness, our product order arrived today. (Which is good because we're no longer backordered on product... but it made the day even more hectic). And to top it all off, I was stuck inside the office while it was a gorgeous day outside. Then when I got home I found out that Debbie's cancer has spread still further... she's lost control of her bottom lip/jaw which means there's nerve damage... probably a result of the cancer moving towards the brain. At this rate, I'm pretty sure she's not going to make it through the summer. Kinda sad to think about considering she just turned 33 last week... *sigh*...

On a happier note, I did get to get out and enjoy the sunshine this evening. I took both my dogs for a walk around the block and enjoyed some fresh air. I also took advantage of the nice weather to FINALLY clean out my car. An hour and 45 minutes later... it looks pa-retty niiicee :)

Wonder what tomorrow has in store...

Down on the Farm

Dad and I went down to "The Farm" (Stienwand's in Castor, AB) this weekend. I think it was exactly what I needed. Down on the farm you don't think too much about everything else that's going on in your otherwise hectic/chaotic/sometimes stressful life. Everything just kinda slips away when you're hunting gophers (I got 10!), riding around in the tractor, riding horses through the coulee to round up cattle (I felt like a bonafide cowgirl!), and fishing in the late evening when the pond is so calm and the sunset behind you is beautiful. (It helped that I caught a fish too!) It's kinda sad that it's back to work tomorrow... but I enjoyed the break from the day-to-day routine. It was rather refreshing... except that I don't feel very good right now. I'm not sure if it's a cold or if it's allergies... oh well, you can't win 'em all!

This is Me Sometimes...

Monday, hard to wake up
Fill my coffee cup, I'm out the door
Yeah, the freeway's standing still today
It's gonna make me late, and thats for sure
I'm running out of gas and out of time
Never gonna make it there by nine

[Chorus:]
There's gotta be something more
Gotta be more than this
I need a little less hard time
I need a little more bliss
I'm gonna take my chances
Taking a chance I might
Find what I'm looking for
There's gotta be something more

Five years and there's no doubt
That I'm burnt out, I've had enough
So now boss man, here's my two weeks
I'll make it short and sweet, so listen up
I could work my life away, but why?
I got things to do before I die

[Repeat Chorus]

Some believe in destiny, and some believe in fate
I believe that happiness is something we create
You best believe that I'm not gonna wait
'Cause there's gotta be something more

I get home 7:30 the house is dirty, but it can wait
Yeah, 'cause right now I need some downtime
To drink some red wine and celebrate
Armageddon could be knocking at my door
But I ain't gonna answer that's for sure.
There's gotta be something!

[Repeat Chorus]

("Something More" by Sugarland)