Too Much Time To Think

**WARNING: Long post. Read at your own risk**

I've realized in the past few days of not having a real schedule that maybe this is why I stay fairly busy all the time... Don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed being able to sleep, read, play around on the comp and watch Brian Regan DVDs w/ Dad. But with that comes a lot of time for thinking...too much time. Unfortunately a lot of this thinking has been negative. Worrying about the future and doubting lots of things has got me a little messed up in the past few days. My mind is having a better day today so I thought I might be able to blog with a little clearer mind. Here's some things I've been thinking about...

-Next semester: Matt is most likely getting a promotion in his job. I'm really proud of him...he's worked ridiculousy hard and they're finally recognizing it. But along with this new status comes new hours...and a lot more of them...42 per week to be exact. And he has 18 credits next semester while I only have 14. Needless to say our time spent together is going to be a little more limited and that kinda worries me. I want to be the supportive girlfriend that can be flexible and deal with whatever comes our way...but I'm just so afraid I'm gonna get part way through the semester and snap. It's hard to draw the line between being selfish by wanting to spend time with him vs. being concerned about our relationship needing some quality time.*sigh* I'm trying to take it one day at a time, but it's tough...and I'm terrified.

-Next summer: My aunt offered me my job back at the office but I'm not sure I want it. I've worked there 4 summers...I'm kinda wanting something new....and maybe with a bigger paycheck. But it's hard to resist the security of having that job lined up when I get home from school. Speaking of coming home, I'll only be home like 5 days before Phil's wedding...which as the maid of honor, bothers me. I want to be able to help more than that. And then the fact that my 21st bday is the day before her wedding. Mom and I had always planned on spending my 21st in NYC. Mom said we can go after her wedding...which leads me to my next point...I have so many things I'd like to do this summer that I won't have time to work. But if I don't work then I can't afford anything I want to do. Oh life is a vicious cycle! I want to do the trip to NYC, I want to counsel at ARWC for the 20th year anni, Mom was talking about a possible trip for the 4 of us to Texas since Dale and Evan didn't get to see much cuz everything was rushed w/ the big 50th, Matt was talking of coming up to visit again (and I would love to not be working when he's here this time)...how can I possibly get that much time off?? And beyond that, where should/can I even get a job?

-Relationships: This break has been a little tough on me when it comes to missing Matt. We had only been together for a week before summer break so things were still fairly new. Now I have a whole semester full of memories and seeing each other every day so xmas break seems much harder. And because my mind has been in a thinking mode...the distance makes me doubt things. It's hard to feel how much he cares when he's not physically here to reassure me. I'm the type that needs some reassurance in that department and phone/online conversations don't always quite cut it. Doubt starts to creep in and I start worrying too much...ughh. Add in that everyone is asking me about when I'm getting engaged (and that Phil is recently engaged and we're discussing wedding plans)...and my mind starts wondering about the future. On one hand it feels like everyone is rushing me to get married and on the other hand it feels like they're saying to wait. Well I don't care what they say, I plan on waiting till I at least get out of college... but it makes one think hard about certain things. Questions keep running through my head (not necessarily about Matt and I but just about relationships/marriage in general): The most confusing one is "where do you draw the line between loving someone completely despite their flaws vs. settling for less than you want?"


Like I said...maybe this is why I keep a busy schedule...